Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Random Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Parents abroad, law school, my sister and I's Visa application to Australia and my personal relationship status. It stresses the hell out of me! I think this is what they call "Midlife Crisis". Hahaha!!!

Yes, I am not getting any younger and most of the time, if not always, I realized I'm getting older and older each day and how it sucks bigtime. Being responsible for your sister's welfare, the house, bills to pay, the chores and how my mathematical skill magically did an excellent job over the years because of budgeting (haha) and more importantly, being a mother-and-father to my younger sister for almost six years now is not an easy job after all. Apparently, after these years ngayon pa lang nagsi-sink in sa akin ang lahat. Goodness! Took me six f*cking years to realize all that! I better give myself a pat on the shoulder and tell myself, "Hey, you've done a good job so far!" Yeah. So far! Hahaha..

Valentine's day is just around the corner. I couldn't believe that I would reach this far. Magiisang taon na akong single. Well, technically speaking. ;P

I would like to think that it's perfectly okay. And, it is, actually! I felt that I'm a lot braver now than I was before. In fact, I'm having the time of my life. I enjoyed having more time for myself and the out-of-town trips I had with my HS and college friends. A new breathe of fresh air.

Until one day, something hit me.

It's like I'm stuck in this place of oblivion where everybody seems to forgot that I existed. It's like suddenly you were no longer a part of something that you cared so much about. I felt betrayed. Set aside. Forgotten. Abandoned. The thought of it alone scares me. I can't seem to find my way out. It saddens me. My heart's grieving in a way I can't explain. :(

Tough days.

I hope all these anxiety-attacks shall pass anytime soon. I don't want to grow all these negativity inside me and eat me alive.

I'm sure I will be okay. Of course, I will. I know it.

I know I will.

I just hope so. *SIGH*

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