Friday, November 11, 2011


You know how people try to make you feel better about being single by telling you, "Hey he's out there looking for you, he just hasn't found you yet!"?


I have been waiting and I keep thinking that I've met him and instead I meet men who act lovely towards me and then disappear from the face of the planet.

WHERE ARE YOU, PERFECT GUY FOR ME? Are you famous? Is that why your schedule is so busy? Oh crap, are you John Mayer? Please don't be John Mayer. Are you Chris Pine? I don't really care if you are, your name just kind of popped into my head. Hey Chris Pine, you were adorable in "Just My Luck" and pretty good in Star Trek, I guess, but to be honest I was a little distracted by your massive package. Sweet sassy molassy. I'm talking about the scene where he's going to do that green woman. That's like, an entire Death Star in those briefs. OK I know Death Star is a Star Wars reference and not a Star Trek one, but I think effort counts for a lot.

My friend says that I haven't met him yet (my perfect guy, not Chris Pine) because she needs to meet him first so she can make sure he's not a rapist and introduce me. Haha. How thoughtful. She says he will be funny and thin and creative. He will have dark hair and an odd sense of humor. And etc, I tuned out at some point. He needs to be amazing. He needs to have a goddamn job. And it should be awesome. He should be so attractive that I ovulate every time I see him. Hahaha. :))

Oh I know what you're thinking: "your standards are too high".

WELL DUH MY STANDARDS ARE HIGH. STANDARDS ARE WHAT SEPARATES US FROM ANIMALS. You don't see a dog freaking out over which dog's ass to sniff, a dog just finds an ass and sniffs it. That's the thing about dogs, they don't care.

If none of us had standards we would all be married by now.

What! I'm just saying! We would all be married by age 12 so we could immediately spend the rest of our lives with another person, popping out kids, like a farm animal.

But we don't do that because of standards. Standards are great. Standards make us feel like we have some control over my lives. Like, "Oh I haven't gone on a second date with Derek because I don't think he's liberal enough." No, it has nothing to do with the fact that Derek ignores your texts; now it's about YOU. You are the one in control, you are the one in charge of your destiny...and...emotions...and Spock...and I'm really trying to work in more Star Trek references but I'm having a hard time here. Help me, Obi-Wan Kanobi. DAMNIT, WRONG FRANCHISE AGAIN. (HAHA)


So look, guy, you better find me. I will be looking but I'm sick of doing all the work. I like to go out, to classy bars and restaurants and such (or maybe not), so when you see me, just say "Hi". That's it. "Hi". As long as you do that and aren't rude, I'll know you're the one. :)

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